Ask Laura...

So I got this idea from a fellow blogger! Ask me any question you want and I will do another post and answer them! They can be funny, sad, related to me, my husband, my dogs, the birth of our baby, labor pains, The color of my bedroom wall...whatever. Email your ?'s to L412ANGEL@AOL.COM OR POST BELOW


Ask Laura

1. What made you start writing your blog about your sweet baby?

First and foremost awareness of Preeclampsia and HELLP. Second would be awareness of child loss. No one talks about it because its "too sad" My thought about that...too bad...its life...life happens.

2.Do you enjoy being a Hairstylist? What made you decide to be a hairsylist?

I enjoy being a hair stylist more than anything. I LOVE my job, and could not imagine NOT being a stylist. I think its a great idea Lisa! I hope you enjoy it, its a very rewarding job! As for the decision to become one...ever since a yougn age my mom ALWAYS did my hair (I think she blowdried my own hair for me untill I was like 12) Curls, braids, y0ou name it my hair looked fabulous every day. I'm a giver I love to give to people so this is my way of doing what I do best :)

Know that...

So I am just going to explain my past three months in a nut shell.
November 17-December 17
This month was the month I obviously lost my daughter. When Cara was born as most of you know, I did not want to hold her. I was too sick to even pick out a name untill after she was born. It was not even a name that I had picked out (My godmother did) Now of course its beautiful and perfect in every way. I was in TOTAL shock and denial! I just wanted to go home and erase what happened, and possibly pretend that it did not happen. However, that was not the case. I was readmitted less than one week later. Its a scary thing when people are asking you if you have a living will. Even AFTER I was released from the hospital I spent the next few weeks, TERRIFIED for my life, CONSTANTLY at the doctors and constantly being in panic mode about my health. Would you blame me?

[Now I have not talked about my husband much on here, but let me advise you what a amazing patient man he is. He stayed at the hospital EVERY SINGLE night I was there, he left once to shower when I was in labor. He went back and forth numerous times to our house and back to the hospital to get me anything I needed at all. He sat with me all day, with the room temp at 65 and no lights on, shades drawn and no sound to the TV. (ALL DUE TO THE MAGNESIUM SULFATE...My nightmare drug) He fed me when I could not even lift my head. He helped me to the bathroom and was there for every second, every needle and every tear. He had patience with me when I would not hold our own daughter, patience with me when I was mad at everyone for holding her and patience with me as I reasked EVERY question at least 5 times because my mind was not working. Hes perfect and is the most amazing father our little girl could ever asked for. He loved her more than life its self.]

During month 1 my precious Charlie (chihuhua) slipped a disk in his back (actually when I was in the hospital) and underwent a 5,000$ emergency back surgery. Now this was a blessing in disquise because the next 6 weeks I took care of him every minute of every day. My love for him is unconditional. I look at him sometimes and see Cara in him because he truly helped me get through the first month. {everything happens for a reason} This was a hard month, because this month I did not greive for my daughter, I just focused on trying to live, and what could possibly be next for me, when all my dreams were shattered in one day.

December 17-January 17 This was a sad month, I went to visit Cara for the first time on my own. We got through Christmas the best that we could. On the flip side, it was a happy month because I was able to go back to work and start my life again. I finally put some pictures up of her in the house and looked through her box that the hospital gave us. The second month I think It finally was sinking in what happened to me.

Jan 17- Now
This would have to be the hardest. Jan 23 was Caras due date, I attended a baby shower, and life is back to normal...{well whatever normal is} However I miss her terribly. For the first time my heart actually aches for her and Im mad at myself I could not greive in the beginning. I know I was sick, but its scary to have no emotion what so ever! I look at her video daily, and I look through her pictures constantly. I got a tattoo and am awaiting a necklace. Im so scared people will forget her. Im scared I will forget her face. I wish I remembered what she looked like aside from pictures, or what she felt like.

This is the month that apparently "I need to move on", that this "consumes my life" and I need to "focus on other things besides doctors appointments and Cara." While part of me believes half of that {or did for a few hours}... I STRONGLY believe YOU CANNOT JUDGE untill you have walked a day in my shoes. I would not want ANYONE to wear my shoes...(trust me...plus its not like they would fit I have small feet) But come on...move on? Im just now focusing on what happened! My mind is just NOW clearing up. The greiving process (from what I hear) takes up to 6 months. As for doctors appointments...I was VERY sick. I'm a Survivor of Severe Preeclampsia: multi-system organ failure, nervous system impairment and swelling on the brain. I lost my vision in one eye, was imagining crap that did not happen and was bed ridden for a week... Sorry but I need to get my body back to good health before I TTC again! Women die from this and I have a high chance of having this again and trust me I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to be healthy again. Lets face it im not exactly the poster child for "health" these days. But seriously, please don't tell me how to cope. Don't say anything if you cant say something nice to me. I need to learn what the best way for me to cope is. When the best times are, and I dont need advice on what NOT to do. Fortunately no one I know (directly) has gone through ANYTHING close to what I have so no one shares in my pain. So please, know that I am OK...(trust me I am) I have good and bad days.

Please know that I will get through this on my own...but I will never be 100%...ill never be the same...Know that my heart will always ache for my baby girl...and know my world is forever changed.

REMINDER

This is from a website called 'Now I lay me down to sleep" I found this and believe this is helpful... I highlighted some areas that I have experienced.

"The list below has been compiled from the hearts of the bereaved parents of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Here are some thoughts and ideas of what to say and/or do for a grieving parent and family...

Please don't tell me you know how I feel, because you don't, unless you too, have also experienced the death of a child. And if you have, please share your story with me, and be patient as I share mine. ~ Cheryl Haggard, Maddux's mommy


The most helpful thing people said to my wife and me during that time was, "You're in our prayers." Knowing that we were in the hearts and prayers of friends, family, and even strangers, was one of the few comforts we felt. ~Damon Fecitt, Aidan's daddy


Please don't avoid us. I know it's hard to know the right words to say to me right now. But, just being there for me so I can cry on your shoulder, means more to me than you'll ever know.


Please let us know that the death of our baby affected you, also.
Please let me share my story with you. Over and over again if necessary. Sometimes, I need to keep going over the details until they seem real.


Please remember our baby on her birthday. Mark the birthdate of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call. I have found that when friends call and say, "I thought of Marah today." it makes me smile. Just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gave me some comfort. ~ Deb Stoner, Marah's mommy


Please do not tell me that my baby is in a better place, how could anywhere be better than in my arms.~ Estrella Estrada, Anthony's mommy


It always seems awkward when someone asks how many children I have and you're not sure if you should say the living number or include those who have passed. Sometimes it is just easier to say the living number to avoid the awkward look or questions. But, then I wonder, who is it really easier for? It's definitely not easier on me and why should I make someone else's life "easier" when I am going through so much pain? ~Tina Denzer, Isaiah's mommy


As much as you may want to comfort a family member or friend and make the tears stop, unfortunately there is nothing that can be said or done. Just being there for us, and letting us know you are thinking about us, not wanting to run away when we shed our tears truly means a lot. This is a difficult task to ask of you, but it also lets us know that you care. ~ Tammy Becker, Chase's mommy


Although most people have nothing but the best of intentions, some comments do hurt. Please remember our loss, and speak words that do not sting. Our parents have graciously compiled a list of insensitive comments so you may have a better understanding:


I wish that people would not say to bereaved parents "You are young, you can still have more children." How do they know that? Some may be unable to have more, their babies death may have been caused by something genetic, or the parents may have spent years and years and thousands of dollars to conceive this baby....No matter the reason or even if we are able to have more children....understand that no child will EVER replace the one I lost...~Lindzy Foster, Kadence's mommy

"Get over it...you can't bring him back!" These words cut deep into my heart...~ Estrella Estrada, Anthony's mommy

Please know that on the NILMDTS Parent and Family Forum our parents speak out and openly about their experiences with the death of their child. What has helped them, and what has not. Theirs are stories of great love, great loss and great strength. Please take a moment to browse through these pages. It is through our education that we gain knowledge."

Blah blah blah...testing 1, 2, 3

So I feel like most the stuff I hear from all these different doctors mesh together and get to sounding like blah blah blah.

Well I got my cholesterol back! (REMINDER: I have hereditary high cholesterol so my normal will be wayyy different that most people's normal) After I gave birth it was 572!!! Now back on my medication its back down to 261 with my good cholesterol at 60 which is awesome!! My internal doc wants to still raise my medication to get cholesterol as low as possible before I come off it at the end of May to TTC again.

THEN they found out that I have a vitamin D deficiency (mine is at 22)...interesting because I have read many studies that state that a D deficiency and Preeclampsia are related. BUT OF COURSE no proof! So I will be on a prescription med for that and then I will be retested in a month...along with my cholesterol levels.

I will also need my protein in my urine rechecked again because they still found 1+ in my urine. Protein is supposed to go away by 6 months so I hope to god mine does because I REALLY can't fathom seeing another specialist. I also need my thyroid rechecked in May before I TTC because that came back borderline! My head is spinning!

My internal doc also recommended I see a cardiologist, so I am going to see one in March. Its seriously like information overload over here!

I guess I have to keep in mind I did just survive a multi-system failure disease!