November 17-December 17
This month was the month I obviously lost my daughter. When Cara was born as most of you know, I did not want to hold her. I was too sick to even pick out a name untill after she was born. It was not even a name that I had picked out (My godmother did) Now of course its beautiful and perfect in every way. I was in TOTAL shock and denial! I just wanted to go home and erase what happened, and possibly pretend that it did not happen. However, that was not the case. I was readmitted less than one week later. Its a scary thing when people are asking you if you have a living will. Even AFTER I was released from the hospital I spent the next few weeks, TERRIFIED for my life, CONSTANTLY at the doctors and constantly being in panic mode about my health. Would you blame me?
[Now I have not talked about my husband much on here, but let me advise you what a amazing patient man he is. He stayed at the hospital EVERY SINGLE night I was there, he left once to shower when I was in labor. He went back and forth numerous times to our house and back to the hospital to get me anything I needed at all. He sat with me all day, with the room temp at 65 and no lights on, shades drawn and no sound to the TV. (ALL DUE TO THE MAGNESIUM SULFATE...My nightmare drug) He fed me when I could not even lift my head. He helped me to the bathroom and was there for every second, every needle and every tear. He had patience with me when I would not hold our own daughter, patience with me when I was mad at everyone for holding her and patience with me as I reasked EVERY question at least 5 times because my mind was not working. Hes perfect and is the most amazing father our little girl could ever asked for. He loved her more than life its self.]
During month 1 my precious Charlie (chihuhua) slipped a disk in his back (actually when I was in the hospital) and underwent a 5,000$ emergency back surgery. Now this was a blessing in disquise because the next 6 weeks I took care of him every minute of every day. My love for him is unconditional. I look at him sometimes and see Cara in him because he truly helped me get through the first month. {everything happens for a reason} This was a hard month, because this month I did not greive for my daughter, I just focused on trying to live, and what could possibly be next for me, when all my dreams were shattered in one day.
December 17-January 17 This was a sad month, I went to visit Cara for the first time on my own. We got through Christmas the best that we could. On the flip side, it was a happy month because I was able to go back to work and start my life again. I finally put some pictures up of her in the house and looked through her box that the hospital gave us. The second month I think It finally was sinking in what happened to me.
Jan 17- Now
This would have to be the hardest. Jan 23 was Caras due date, I attended a baby shower, and life is back to normal...{well whatever normal is} However I miss her terribly. For the first time my heart actually aches for her and Im mad at myself I could not greive in the beginning. I know I was sick, but its scary to have no emotion what so ever! I look at her video daily, and I look through her pictures constantly. I got a tattoo and am awaiting a necklace. Im so scared people will forget her. Im scared I will forget her face. I wish I remembered what she looked like aside from pictures, or what she felt like.
This is the month that apparently "I need to move on", that this "consumes my life" and I need to "focus on other things besides doctors appointments and Cara." While part of me believes half of that {or did for a few hours}... I STRONGLY believe YOU CANNOT JUDGE untill you have walked a day in my shoes. I would not want ANYONE to wear my shoes...(trust me...plus its not like they would fit I have small feet) But come on...move on? Im just now focusing on what happened! My mind is just NOW clearing up. The greiving process (from what I hear) takes up to 6 months. As for doctors appointments...I was VERY sick. I'm a Survivor of Severe Preeclampsia: multi-system organ failure, nervous system impairment and swelling on the brain. I lost my vision in one eye, was imagining crap that did not happen and was bed ridden for a week... Sorry but I need to get my body back to good health before I TTC again! Women die from this and I have a high chance of having this again and trust me I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to be healthy again. Lets face it im not exactly the poster child for "health" these days. But seriously, please don't tell me how to cope. Don't say anything if you cant say something nice to me. I need to learn what the best way for me to cope is. When the best times are, and I dont need advice on what NOT to do. Fortunately no one I know (directly) has gone through ANYTHING close to what I have so no one shares in my pain. So please, know that I am OK...(trust me I am) I have good and bad days.
Please know that I will get through this on my own...but I will never be 100%...ill never be the same...Know that my heart will always ache for my baby girl...and know my world is forever changed.
3 comments:
Believe me when I say this, that grief is not something you can attach a timeline to, especially when it comes to grieving the death of your child. I think six months is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be "over it" and getting back to normal. Your life will never be normal again. You are and will forever be the mother of a dead baby. She will never grow up and you will spend the rest of your life wondering what she would look like, act like, be doing at a certain age. It's a heartbreaking journey, one I don't think you will ever heal from completely. Your circumstances were so traumatic and life threatening that not only will you need time to focus on healing your body, but it will also take a good deal of time and energy to heal your soul. Cara is beautiful. By keeping a blog and connecting with some of us mothers who have also lost our children, she won't be forgotten, I guarantee it. I can't think of any mama I've met through this community without also thinking of her precious child. Sending you hugs and wishes for gentle days...
((hugs)) You will never be over your sweet baby! Margaret said it very well! My grieving was denial the first few months (bc my husband was so strong I felt like I should be too, little did I know at that time it was all a front) I found a forum strictly for CDH and began the "healing process" whatever that might be. 4, 6, 8 months were brutal and miserable! I had a b-day/christmas party for Kasey and after it was all said and done I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders (that was a year out). Everyone grieves and "heals" for the lack of a better word differently. Do what feels good to you. Here for you!
The one thing I have learned in this process is that you need to do this all on your own timetable and no one elses. You need to do what is best for you. :)
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