A baby shower and a doctor

So yesterday my good friend Stephanie had her baby shower. I attended. Everything was great for the most part. I went in the coat room with my mom to hang up my coat I went to go back into the room and I stopped and saw how pregnant, happy and healthy she looked. I walked back into the coat room and said to my mom "I dont know if I can do this" and started crying. Something in my head went into panic mode. I think part of it was that Cara was SUPPOSED to be there with me. My 4 week old baby was supposed to be there with me that day. Instead she is 6 feet under. I went to the bathroom pulled it together and the rest of the day went fine.

Of course I had high anxiety the rest of the day! That night I had anxiety so bad (about getting my blood pressure taken at my doc appt today) that it was 129/92 :( Its normally 100's/70.

Its just still hard to comphrend that this happened. I look in the mirror and nothing about me looks pregnant. I dont even have one stretch mark, its like I never was. Of course that makes me sad! Its hard to be ok because everyone expects you not to be. Its also hard to appear happy. Most the time I am happy that my health is back on track, but a lot of the times Im sad and no one would ever know it! Nothing about this whole process was easy and nothing will ever be easy. Whats easy mean anyway anymore?

You know whats easy for me...Getting up in the morning because I know thats one day further than I am from the panic, fear and devistation of November 16-22 (and in my eyes the 2 weeks that followed that)
You know whats easy for me... to laugh with my husband because he is still my best friend.
You know whats easy for me...going to work because I love my job and my clients
Those are the parts of my life that are easy! While so much is so not!

On another note I saw my new internal medicine doctor today! OMG!!!! I LOVED HER!!!! TO DEATH! She is my favorite doctor so far out of every doctor I have ever seen in my life! Im so sick and tired of so many doctors in my past looking at me and saying "Your young your fine" CLEARLY I WAS NOT! I now have Factor V, and went through having HELLP and Preeclampsia. As a reminder...I'm a Survivor of Severe Preeclampsia: multi-system organ failure, nervous system impairment and swelling on the brain. So yah I was not fine!

Anyway Dr. P and I discussed everything! My blood pressure (FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A DOCTORS OFFICE) was 110/68...Thats how un nervous her office made me. Either that or I think I am just moe nervous of OB's and MFM's now...

In the office we discussed my high heart rate that gets crazy when I work out. She did a EKG right in her office to make sure my heart was normal. It was! YAY! She did however run a bunch more blood work on me to check my full panel to check my kidneys and liver function, my chlesterol levels (since I have been treated for high cholesterol since I was 18) and she checked for protein in my urine and throid problems. We want to rule EVERYTHING out before we start trying again in May. I have a follow up appointment with her to get my results on wednesday so I will have more updates then!