Yup another wave. I have been so crabby and down lately. I am 7 months out. My feelings lately are crushing because I know that if Cara was born alive...she would have lived. I was 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant. HOW did she not live? Why did she die? The doctors told me she has passed a day or two prior. I was too late for her. I cant help but think about how many babies make it at 26, 27, 29 weeks.
I know what took her from me. Preeclampsia. But why? Was my blood pressure too high? Was my body too sick for her? I mean how? There was no placenta abruption? She looked perfect...she was almost 3 lbs...she was 16 inches for cryin out loud...why!
I cant get out of my head that after she was born I made the nurses take her away. How in the hell was I not curious about what she looked like? UGH! So mad at myself for that.
The pain I feel now is more so longing. I am longing to just hold her, I know she is not alive...I know I can never bring her back, but I just want to hold her. When I did at the hospital it was not genuine, I held her because people told me to. Not because I truly wanted to. Now I want to.
I think alot of the times I keep my feelings all locked up inside. Reason? Im a VERY realistic person. When I first found out there was no heartbeat my first thoughts were ok she is dead...nothing can being her back so where do we go from here. I find myself sad and then saying, well be as sad as you want...nothing can change it or bring her back so dont waste your time.
Im scared. Im not scared to be pregnant again. That I am ready for. I know that there is never a guarantee. Even when you hear your baby cry...life never guarantees you anything. Im not expecting to have a perfect pregnant and most important I am not expecting to stear clear of PE. I am ready for it! What I am scared for is if I will ever be a mom to a earth angel.
Where is the fast forward button ...click
(P.s.) happy 100 post!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
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6 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss {{{HUGS}}}
Laura, try not to beat yourself up over things. You did the best you could at the time. None of us know how to respond or act when we are thrown into a crisis in an instant. You are a fantastic mommy to Cara. Each and everyday she smiles upon you for creating this blog in her memory as well as angel baby names, helping other mommies, and fighting Preeclampsia. We may never understand why are babies didn't make it as long as we're on this side of heaven...sigh.... I know there are a lot of babies that make it at 26, 28, 29 weeks but remember Ryan was 26 weeks and he didn't make it. I feel the same way you do but there are no explanations. What you are feeling is normal.
Our heavenly Father has a plan for us, It might not be our plan or the path we wanted to take but if we are patient he will provide. I have the exact same fear. I'm so sorry Laura, I wish I could reach through this screen and give you a hug. Sending many, many hugs to you. Also a Happy Father's Day to your husband. With love and compassion for you both and baby Cara in our hearts~Lisa
I think Ryansmom hit it right on the head, no one knows how to react in those situations and you did the best you could. Maybe your body, mind & heart were telling you to react this way because it knew more was to come with how sick you became afterwards. My only suggestion would be to pick a quiet calming place where you can sit alone with your thoughts and really try hard to remember everything about the time you did hold Cara. It may take a few tries but you will be amazed at how much you remember over time as long as you are calm and don't put too much pressure on trying to remember. It sounds weird but TRUST ME it works!! HUGS babe
I remember feeling so afraid to hold Alexandra too. I don't know why looking back now & I wish I would have wanted to hold her more now because by the time I did, there wasn't a lot of time. I hope that you are a mom to a baby here on Earth one day too. It's hard when you know there are no guarantees. I wish there were. I wish we could sign some sort of contract and that was it! Thinking of you so much.
Oh Laura, I think alot of the same things you do. I remember after Naomi passed away, they wanted me to hold her. At first I said no way I can't. And then the nurses (one of them was one of my favorites) told me to and so did my mom. I am so glad I did. But I can't remember much from that day or time holding her. I was in a daze, heck I don't even think I was there. But I sit and look at Naomi's pictures and try to vision me with her again, it is so so hard. I ask God for him to bring her to me in a dream, its been a year, and still nothing. You are a beautiful mother, and Cara is so lucky to have you out there helping other mommies and doing all that you do! HUGS to you! THANK YOU for everything you do and continue to do! <3
Honestly lots of moms react the same way you did, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know its a bummer and I've done it to myself on occasion as well. I am praying for you to be able to become a mother to an earth angel. I love how you put that.
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