Today I had to welcome back my emotions...I notice that lately little itty bitty things set me off.
I really dont even know where I am going with this post. So I apologize in advance.
Today little things set me off. Made me incredibly sad and angry. I have not felt this way since February. I guess it is true. Grief comes in waves. I have cried twice today, and tears flow as I write this. I just feel pain today. I feel like everyone forgets that LIFE IS TOO SHORT to fret over little things.
Yesterday I was watching a show with Kyle (deadliest catch....I know I know...) One of the guys I guess was having a heart attack. They read his BP 178/120...I actually had to rewind it. A pit grew in my stomach. My BP was higher than that. EEEK I could have died...grr so that hit me again.
Today I was asked if I have any children..."Yes a daughter in heaven" Did not bug me until she told me that her son (that was with her in a stroller next to her as I cut her hair) has cystic fibrosis. UGH. Now it bugged me, because I know that someday she will know the pain of child loss. (I dont know MUCH about CF I do know that life expectancy is somewhere around 30's now? I believe) So then I was sad. Really lets face it no one ever prepares you for the loss of a child. So you think its never going to happen. I HATE to be the berrer of bad news...but it can happen. It does happen. Sadness.
On another note I wish that everyone can know in life that there are some people that have bigger fish to fry. Some people are easily hurt. Especially after going through something traumatic. I wish I was not so sensitive...I cant help it.
I wish people would come to realize...I will never change. Things will never be normal again. This is me. This is my normal.
So now onto PTSD. I had that Nov, Dec, and Jan...I thought I was moving away from that. Today something (no idea what) triggered a memory of Cara in her basket, in my room. Just the image of the stupid basket in my head. Then I was mad at myself for not holding her more. Then I was really upset I could not hold her now. UGH.
I feel like for some reason its sinking in. I know im 7 months out...but for some reason now is when im thinking oh god, its over, she will never be here again. She was never here to begin with.
Sigh...This really is my life isnt it?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
Laura, I feel the same way so many times!! People bring their crying babies into the studio all the time, and while I understand that life can't stop because of my tragedy, it stabs like a knife every time a baby cries or coos. People think that if I don't "freak out" on them that I'm OK with them nursing babies, talking about birth, etc. in front of me. They will never understand how at that moment I feel like I am the only one in the world and my heart hurts so much I wish I couldn't feel. I am over the intense grief, but then I feel other things. Sadness at remembering her face, anger because I wish I would've memorized what her belly looked like. Stuff like that. Anger and sadness that she is gone and I never knew her. Never had her. That she never looked at me. Her eyes never opened.
Whew, sorry to rant on your post! This is who we are. This is our life. Forever. Differently, but forever.
I have seen that w/ my other girlfriend who lost her son, for different reasons, goes through the struggle of having her emotions all over the place. I don't pretend to know what either one of you has & is going through, but I am here to listen. Again I say that I am so proud of you for sharing your feelings w/ us because it is not an easy thing to open yourself up like that!! It doesn't matter how long it has been since you lost your precious Cara, her loss will always be with you...and I don't think there is a time frame for the grieving process. Much love to u!!
Grief ia mother f'er isn't? I wish that you didn't have to go through these waves, I wish Cara was here with you and your husband.
I feel the same when I think about people not appreciating life. Especially when I see mother's yelling at their kid's for darn reason, I just want to yell at them for that!
I feel your pain because I can so clearly remember that moment when I realized "this is it", it's hard. I cried like I was back to the very early days. All these feelings are so intense, I wish I lived closer so we can get together and talk about our lovely little girls. I understand you, I am here for you and I care so much about you and Cara. ((HUGS))
P.S Although we have never met face to face, I feel a closer bond than many people in my life now. Thank you!
For some reason, TTC makes me a whole lot more bitchy and emotional and the grief a bit stronger too. I guess I'm pissed off to be doing this all over again instead of taking care of my baby.
Anyway, it's almost 9 months for me and I'm still feeling that way sometimes, it comes and goes.
Laura,
*Hugs* for you today. I know all too well about Cystic Fibrosis. Kherrington had it, and we have a 25% chance that another child will have CF. But the good news with CF is it is not the "death sentence" it used to be. The median age for survival (here in Canada)is 47! and growing! The therapies are amazing and many children now never have infections as young children.
I know you're TTC? For me..I find the day that I get my period to be the worst! It brings back all of those "failure" feelings I had when I lost Kheri. I get irratible, cranky, emotional, reclusive, frustrated and discouraged. Last month was the worst yet.
I HATED having to give my daughter "back" to the nurse at the hospital. Absolutely horrible, and I'll never forget that sense of panic. But we had to, she was starting to "go" and I knew that wasn't her anymore...but a glimpse what would have been. I never knew her eye colour...never knew who's ears she had... she was in too bad of shape to unwrap, so the nurse had to take her and unwrap a foot and a hand for us...
Big hugs again. We're here whenever you need us!
Laura i don't know what it was about today, but I am sure glad it is over. I am so sorry you had to have such a bad day. I honestly wish I had a secret to help ease those triggers, but I don't. All I can say is your not alone in your pain and anytime you need to talk I am here!!!
(((BIG HUGS)))
Oh Laura, sorry you had a rough day. I remember going through the same thing and even 2 years into it I still have my moments. I cried yesterday in Costco when a lady told me I had beautiful flowers. Ugh, I hate crying in front of everyone. I remember the first year feeling like you said, is this really my life? Now, I've more or less accepted that yep, it sure is. This year I'm working of how to deal with this new life without being an emotional wreck. I don't know if you're religious or not but I just finished reading a great book called Plan B by Pete Wilson. It's what do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought he should. It was really good and helped me to start changing my thinking. Maybe it will help you too. My heart goes out to you with many hugs. Hang in there.
Big hugs to you Laura today. Those moments are tough.
Grief ~ for me at least ~ is never a liner road, more like a crazy roller coaster that keeps twisting back upon itself when you least expect it.
Thinking of you and your tender feelings today!
Many hugs to you & Cara today as it is 7 months. You are in my thoughts. I hate this stupid grief roller coaster. The emotions we feel and things that just set us off are enough to drive you crazy. I wish I could just make it better. Just know I'm thinking of you. XOXO
*tears* I so wish this wasn't our life my friend. I would give anything to make it better for all of us.
I am just catching up on blog entries from everyone, and I had seen a good few new ones of yours. And this just made me cry. I feel the same way, when I was in the WIC office a few weeks ago, I had to tell 5 different people briefly my story, and after I got out of there i jsut started BAWLING my eyes out. I tell you grief hits at all unexpected times. Just like my Uncle told me. I never experienced a loss, well I did when I was young, but it didnt effect me because I wasn't close to them, but my own daughter. It is now been a year since Naomi's death, and my Uncle happend to tell me after she passed that the 2nd year is harder. I thought WHAT? The first couple of months was pure hell for me. I still have to blink and open my eyes and ask myself OUT LOUD, is she really gone? I don't know how to quite explain it now but the realization that Naomi is gone and I won't see her again until the after life, which I don't even know where my belief stands anymore, but it just kills me. I really need to start blogging more, it helps. xox hugs Laura.
I am sensitive too and have felt this way many times. I wish it did not have to be this way for any mother. You have helped me in so many ways, by sharing your heart with everyone. I applaud you for that and want to say thank you.
love and prayers
elena
Post a Comment