Lately im crabby...irritated...annoyed...aggravated...sensitive...I think it all boils down to my first month of TTC. It was way more emotional than I would have ever imagined it to be. I know it was only the first time...Im know im young...I know I have time....blah blah blah...but it still does not make me feel any better about having a BFN! Me being young, and having lots of time has nothing to do with the fact that she is gone. (Abbriviating lingo... BFP: Big fat positive, BFN: Big fat negative, TTC, trying to conceive, BLM: Baby loss mom)
Lately I have let little things get to me and let things bug me that typically never do. I feel like some may feel im "better". I dont know how many times I can say I will never be "better" or back to my old self. This is my new self. You dont like it...sounds like a personal problem. I have also have some people tell me that I handle things very well. I like to hear that, but I dont think thats really the case. I believe that I just handle things differently. I think that im just realistic. I know that I can't bring her back and nothing will ever change what happened. SOOOOO I just need to accept it and try to move forward. If you look the name Cara up in the dictionary I can reassure you that my name is underneath. She defines me. She makes me smile, and she is the reason why I want to move on...for her...she would want that. No ones child in heaven wants to look down on their mother crying every single day.
Lately im getting a little nervous as I get closer and closer to the year mark...I know im not that close yet...but im already past 7 months...(crazy I know.) Im nervous because I dont want anyone to forget. To forget her, or what happened to her...or what I went through, or what I go through every day.
Lately I am missing Charlie. Reason? One week after I lost my daughter not even a week out of being released from the hospital, Charlie had emergency back surgery. When Charlie came home, I took care of him. He was 100% paralyzed from the mid back down. I had to take him outside, change his bed, wipe him down when he lost control of his bowels. I was focused on him. Thank god. Really...otherwise I would have sat there and stared at the wall for 6 weeks. I held Charlie all day long. When I think of him I think of her. When I came home from the hospital, without her, on 3 different medications, My husband and mom had off with me so I did not have to be alone. When everyone went back to work is when Charlie needed his emergency surgery, so I was not alone, because I was so occupied and focused on his survival.I just lost her, I cant loose him... I spent over 6 thousand dollars of desperate measures of saving him. I had three months with him after his surgery, before the end. I just miss him terribly. I never thought I could be so attached to an animal...I guess you would have had to known him.
Here is how I am resolving this. I am not going to be talking about my TTC anymore. (except with possibly one or two people) Its does nothing but get my hopes up or make me anxious...that I do not need. I wont even be blogging about it. I wont be testing until a few days prior, and I will not be announcing right away, I will wait until I hear a first heartbeat.
Right now I need to focus on what makes me happy. That is my dogs, my husband, my family, and my job. Thats it. So I will be redirecting my focus once again, and stop focusing on little things that do not matter.
9 comments:
I can really relate to you being very irritable, angry, sad, mad and whatever other emotion with this being your first month of trying to conceive. Right before this pregnancy I had a miscarriage and it was devastating. I have never experienced that before and I know I have had other children and they are alive and well, but it was still difficult for me. TRUST ME I am by NO MEANS comparing what I suffered through to what you went through with precious Cara. It is just so difficult to deal with and to try and go back to life as usual. I too got comments from people saying "At least you have your other kids, or you are still young, still healthy....blah blah blah that doesn't make it easier or less painful. I try very hard never to say things like that to anyone because one never knows what that person has gone through! Anyway, my point is you are doing the best you can at this point. You are entitled to going through a roller coaster of different emotions. I will be here to listen regardless if you are saying the same thing over and over....I won't judge. I hope things keep getting better and better for you...progress is progress as long as you choose to keep moving forward. Remember to not put too much pressure on TTC because that can hinder you from becoming pregnant. It is your decision to share or not share but I love coming on your blog to find out how you are and how life is with you! You are so informative and help me better understand what you are going through and try and see how I can help. {{HUGS}}
I promise you I relate. I was so pissed off at my body when the 6 month mark finally rolled around, my body went haywire and stayed that way for months. PISSED the hell off. I was bitter, angry and downright depressed.
Vent it out, we all understand.
Love you!
i hear ya on the whole getting closer to the anniversary. And what you said about the TTC'ing im doing the same only few people know and not announcing to the world until we hear the heart beat, only a select few will know when I get BFP. good luck for a july pregnancy we start up again soon.
Like Ashley said, I'm pretty pissed off at my body these days too. The first month TTC was pretty brutal, and sometimes it gets easier and sometimes not. (Although hopefully your TTC journey will be short, sometimes I get pissed that I'm TTC again at all.) I like testing early (too early for BFP's) to get the BFN's because it helps temper the false hope. For me, it's really hard to think I'm pregnant and then turn out not to be. Statistically, there's only like a 20% chance of getting pregnant every month even with perfect timing and everything perfect.
Hang in there.
I agree with you 100%! You need to focus on you. I learned not to share anymore about TTC because the it was too hard to tell everyone that it didn't happen. After the word was out I had to listen to stupid comments from people who just didn't get it. I learned the hard way. My husband and I are going to use our frozen eggs sometime in the near future but we've decided not to tell anyone, not even our families. It's bad enough having to endure the disappoint myself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying for you and your hubby. Hugs.
Whenever you want to talk/blog about it, we'll all be here. And yes, if people have an issue, it is their problem..not yours :)
My first month, I was like you, hopeful and I tested. I have learned that adds extra stress. But it is sooo hard to not test. I just keep telling myself that it is about $8 just to pee on something..lol. I am frustrated because Kheri just happened. We weren't even trying.. and now we have to? WTF is up with that!!.. lol. Anyway, enough about that.
When your test turns positive, we'll all be here to listen and support. Hopefully some of us will be right there with you. Until then, you do whatever you need to do :)
Oh Laura, I understand so well what you are going through. I have not really blogged about TTC either. I think I might have mentioned we were going to try again? Maybe? I don't even know, but I haven't blogged about it. It's too disappointing month after month, who wants to read about that?! I'm also terrified of the one year mark. I'm afraid people are going to forget. I'm afraid people won't acknowledge the day. I'm afraid of how I'll feel. Hugs to you! Focus on the little things that are important. I think that's what gets me through the days a lot of time. (((HUGS))
I definitely have felt angry and irritable. I will be continuing my prayers for you in your journey of TTC even though I know you said you will not be blogging about it which is completely understandable. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. Many hugs.
Hi Laura. I am again catching up on my reading and leaving a comment or two for everyone. I can relate to this post, especially the emotions. Once you are part of the 'club', perspective changes on everything. Normal, everyday emotions change...sometimes for no given reason. Sometimes it is easier to do what you have decided to do and just not discuss certain things. It definitely helps sometimes.
Wishing you the best in the coming weeks. Fingers are crossed for you guys. Hugs....
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