Feelings

Today I am overcome with desperate feelings. I am desperate to be a mom. I really want a child to hold. From everything I read and the support groups we attend, this is a normal feeling of want after the loss of a child. I just gave birth, pushed, was in pain, had contractions, the whole 9 yards and I have nothing now to show for it. Most people I pass on the street, in the gym, at the store will never know I have/had a baby. When I go to target grocery shopping and see all the moms with their strollers, its hard...not hard to see, but I so badly wanna just scream "Hey im a mom too!, I gave birth to my daughter 2 months ago!" But I cant. Someone made a comment the other day. I was holding my dear friends baby touching his toes and fingers and just in awe...and they said "You can totally tell who does not have kids." Now I KNOW that she did not know what happened with me, and she didnt know any better. Of course I know that...and im not mad...but that hurt. Some things that people say now hurt so bad and I know they do not realize it. I will never ask anyone "So do you have any kids" Hey im a hair stylist I myself used to ask that question ALL the time...but now never again...you NEVER know what someone went/is going through.

On another happy note...I have to say that I have THE BEST family ever...not just mom and dad and brother, uncles and aunts as well. They are constantly there for me. My brother and Uncle John never left my side when I was in the hospital. My Godmother also came to visit me and was there to put ice rags on me! It is such a great feeling knowing that these people will always be there. My inlaws are great as well. They were there to hold Cara and were there for support for my husband and I. My mom never left my side at the hospital, she slept there for a week straight (to be honest I was too scared to be alone after how sick I was) My dad was also there every day! When I was on the Mag (horrible drug) and just lay there flat all day long with no lights on (because I was having vision problems and HORRIFIC headaches) with no TV on...everyone just sit there with me. AMAZING people! It must have been hard for my family to even see ME like that! Scary im sure! I got an email from one of my uncles and he said "We just need to have faith in God and our family and friends and learn from every experience that we are given in life even when that experience is death."




I also wanna say I have the greatest friends ever. My best friend Ashley wanted to fly up to be with me for crying out loud! My good friend Stephanie came to visit me in the hospital before I delivered. The people I work with/for (who I do not even call friends, they are just at this point...better than friends...like family) were constantly in touch with me...every single one. Through email, phone calls, through my family and they were always concerned about me. It makes me feel so good knowing how many people really care. I do feel bad sometimes because I am at work most of the time and what happened to me and my story comes up a lot, daily infact with clients and just in general, and I know for some people it can get very hard to hear time and time again, let alone emotional. But I know everyone understands.